My First Confession: A Half-Hearted Attempt at Vulnerability, Resurrection, and a Future

Welcome to my inner world, I am so grateful to have you here. I hope that you can connect with my words. My name is not Anastasia; I chose it as my pseudonym because it means "resurrection," and that is the concept I'm heading towards. Also, I loved the movie "Anastasia" (1997); I call my Shih Tzu, "Cookie," "Pooka."

So what is the point of any of this? That's what I'm trying to figure out. The distance between what I am and where I want to be is alarming. I was suicidal in my late teens and since then, I have not been able to plan for a future, just waddling through life. I was different before; I was responsible, productive, and the perfect child, but I must remind myself that I was also fifteen. I am now twenty-five and at a loss for who I am. Energy cannot be created or destroyed, so the qualities I love still exist within me, I'm just not sure how to harness these individual traits. I probably sound like the whiniest bitch alive, but man, it's hard! My problem is that I can never do anything halfway. I need to commit to it fully or not at all. If I'm doing a homework assignment, I'm getting an A+ or an F. If I'm doing my makeup, I'm doing a full face with lashes or nothing. If I have a little crush, I'm developing a full-blown obsession with him, reciprocated or not, or ghosting him. If I have one drink, I'm getting hammered because otherwise, I should have stayed sober and cut the calories. I love my Slavic addiction gene.

So let's get to the actual point of this. My Sagittarius stellium came out in that paragraph. Resurrection is defined by Merriam-Webster as "a state of one risen from the dead." I was raised Catholic per Eastern Bloc code, but I have aligned with agnosticism for most of my life. I also appreciate some Hindu gems from my best friend, Shreya (pseudonym). Perhaps my brain fully developed when I turned 25 because although I have been lost for a while, it did not hit how far away I was until recently. I apologize if any of this sounds cold(?); I am very emotionally constipated, and vulnerability has never been my forte. I am also paranoid of someone I know finding this, which is why real names won't be used here. Anyways, I am an obese woman, unfortunately not a girl anymore, who gets through life via cheap dopamine hits and my Ativan prescription. I do not recognize the person I am and want to find alignment. Here's to my journey of balance. I hope that you stick around. :)

Something else you'll need to know about me is I go off on long tangents. I have never done well at being concise, and my only issue in my English classes was my affinity for run-on sentences. I hope that you're okay with that; we can really make something beautiful here.

P.S. I know I introduced my issues more so than myself, but stick around to learn more!